Santa School and the Myth of the Good Conservative

When I lost my job with The Dissolve in 2015 and became a free agent I got a lot of weird, interesting offers. Perhaps the weirdest and most interesting was to travel to the world’s top Santa school somewhere in Michigan and write about my experiences for a British men’s magazine that was on the verge of shutting down. 

I’d love to be able to link to the article that I wrote but it never appeared online and if I ever even had a copy of the magazine it appeared in (the final issue of whatever cockamamie lad’s mag commissioned it) I lost it ages ago. It was, as you might imagine, a very fascinating and utterly surreal experience for a deeply secular Jewish smart-ass with a deeply complicated, ambivalent relationship with Christmas.

I didn’t know what to expect but what I discovered was a group of jolly, pot-bellied gentlemen for whom playing Santa Claus at office parties or suburban malls wasn’t just a potentially lucrative gig or side-hustle but rather a sacred duty they approached with an appropriately religious sense of devotion. 

These were not men to crack ribald jokes or drink excessively. They took their jobs very seriously, and the Santa School seriously as well. The culture of the school was professional, serious and focused. The goal wasn’t just to portray Santa adequately enough to fool small children but rather to become Santa on an existential as well as professional level. 

I liked these men, and yes, they were all men, and were very much of the mindset that Santa should always be a man. Women had a place in this world, but it was as Mrs. Claus or an elf, never as Santa himself. 

Despite my differences from these men, I found myself liking them. They were friendly, jolly and genuinely filled with Christmas spirit and a sincere desire to spread joy to children and adults alike. 

When these strange men gathered at meals or to take classes the topic was invariably Christmas, Christmas culture and the ins and outs of being the best damn Santa Claus you could possibly be. 

I suspect that if the subject were to change to issues like immigration, gay marriage, trans rights, abortion or universal health care my fondness for these professional Saint Nicks would diminish rapidly and dramatically. 

It’s worth noting that I went to Santa School in 2015. This was before the rise of Donald Trump, when it was a lot easier to believe in the idea of good Conservatives, Republicans who might be on the wrong side of history and every major issue but were nevertheless fundamentally decent human beings. 

This was before Donald Trump, the least Christian Christian imaginable, cynically weaponized both Christmas and Christianity. For these Santas, the “War on Christmas” wasn’t just some horse shit Bill O’Reilly cooked up for ratings; it was an assault on their livelihoods and way of life as professional Santa Clauses. 

Trump has aggressively promoted the idea that recognizing our country as being fundamentally multi-cultural, a joyful melting pot where many different religions are followed and holidays are celebrated is tantamount to white genocide and the deliberate, malicious and purposeful erasure of Christmas and Christianity, not to mention Jolly Old Saint Nick.

The disgraced ex-president rose to power promoting the fiction that it’s not enough for majorities like white Christians to have almost everything when it comes to representation and celebration and visibility. No, in order for a truly Christian society to flourish, the “War on Christmas” contingent” seems to feel strongly that cultural and religious minorities like Jews and Muslims must have nothing, even something as seemingly reasonable, minor and just plain considerate as a barista wishing customers “Happy Holidays.”

Nobody is trying to take Christmas away. That would be insane. Christmas sales are the engine that drives the American economy. Everybody wants to get paid. We just think it would be nice if other faiths were acknowledged as well. That’s literally the least you can do.

That, apparently, is still asking entirely too much, which is why we need a righteous warrior like Trump who will stand up and fight the imaginary hordes who are trying to take Santa Claus and their own Christmas bonuses away on behalf of their evil Atheist Communist Antifa overlords. 

The merry gentlemen at Santa School seemed to have the good sense to realize that Santa shouldn’t be political or politicized. I doubt that’s the case anymore. In a post-Trump world, everything seems poisonously, divisively political, particularly if it involves religion. 

I hate to imagine how many of those nice Santas might be QAnon true believers or prolific posters of xenophobic, homophobic or transphobic memes. In order to hold onto my happy memories of Santa School and all the jolly Santas I encountered it’s probably best, if not downright essential, that I not devote too much time or energy to contemplating about what these men might be thinking behind their merry laughs and abundant Yuletide cheer. 

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