Congratulations on Your Boffo Ratings, Mister President!
I will be the first to concede that I have been critical of President Trump at least a few times over the course of the past few years. But that is all going to change from here on out.
The President recently dazzled the public with the tweets, “President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the daily White House briefing Mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8.5 million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the season finale of ‘The Bachelor.’ Numbers are continuing to rise… briefing — an astounding number for a 6 p.m. cable broadcast, more akin to the viewership for a popular prime-time sitcom......The CBS News poll said 13 percent of Republicans trusted the news media for information about the virus.” Michael M. Grynbaum @NYTimes"
I may disagree with some of Trump’s policies, but I understand that the most important thing in the world is television ratings. If you get good ratings, then you are a good person and people should listen to you. You should occupy a place of power and prestige. History will remember you fondly as a person of worth and importance, a boon to humanity and the envy of all. Look at Bill Cosby: he had one of the most successful television programs of all time with The Cosby Show and for years, even decades, ranked high on lists of most admired Americans.
If you get bad ratings, however, or if your ratings are falling, then you are by definition a terrible person who should be mocked and shunned, insulted and brought low, for you are human garbage no better than a rabies-infested sewer rat.
And Trump’s ratings illustrate incontrovertibly that he is a winner and a hero, a historic success whose popularity when it comes to Nielsen ratings prove that he is better than everyone else and should be admired and flattered, treated as a King and a God and never criticized or challenged, particularly by people with bad ratings.
Think about it: Trump is a POLITICIAN. Doing a freaking PRESS CONFERENCE. And this boob tube King Midas is delivering BACHELOR FINALE RATINGS. Can you believe it? Oh wait, you totally can because TRUMP HAS ALWAYS DELIVERED MONSTER RATINGS. Ever heard of a little show called, oh, I dunno, The Apprentice? I’m guessing maybe you have because it was THE MOST POPULAR SHOW ON TV FOR YEARS.
Trump is the king of TV. He’s like Milton Berle but with an even larger penis and none of that fruity cross-dressing funny business. That’s why we should all be coming together as a nation right now to congratulate him, sincerely, on his boffo ratings.
Why isn’t the media covering maybe the most important story of the last 50 years in the popularity of Trump’s press briefings? The press’ clear-cut left-wing bias causes them to act like there’s some big thing happening now that somehow makes Trump’s ratings less important, or not important at all, when we know just how all-important they truly are.
Look, I have not been following the news but I honestly can’t think of anything more newsworthy, or admirable, or worthy of intense universal praise than speaking to reporters and having a lot of people watch it on television regardless of the context.
The lamestream media’s disrespect for Trump’s ratings is nothing less than a disease, a kind of malevolent political virus, as it were, one with awful destructive power. Unless we tackle this disease head-on who knows what kind of terrible damage it might cause to Trump’s ego, and by extension the American people and all of humanity?
What sane human being refers to themselves by their initials in third person as “the ratings machine!?”
We as a nation need to come together to fight the real enemy: the media under-reporting or just plain not reporting how historically high Donald Trump’s ratings are now. But it’s not just that: the media’s under-reporting of Trump’s presidential inauguration crowd size remains an unforgivable crime that must be avenged as well.
From his first days in office, Trump has understood that the way to connect with the forgotten common man was to speak to his powerful obsessions with accurate presidential inauguration crowd size reporting and television ratings.
I’ve seen Trump move a quadriplegic veteran to tears recounting how Celebrity Apprentice always demolished the competition in ratings but that stuck-up Barbara Walters would never feature him on one of her one of her “Most Fascinating People of the Year” specials even though she once gave him a hand job in a jacuzzi at a Geraldo Rivera pool party. And I’ve watched in awe as a Trump supporter who had been in a coma for over a year came back to life and started crying as Trump ranted at him for over an hour about how disrespectful and possibly illegal it was for the bought and paid for Liberal press to deliberately misrepresent the size of his inauguration crowd in an attempt to de-legitimize his historic victory.
So I think I speak for a happy, impressed and deeply interested nation when I say congratulations on your amazing television success, Mister President! I know that when I see words like “numbers are continuing to rise” at this particular moment in time in a presidential tweet it can only be good, important news about something that truly matters, namely perpetually increasing television viewership.
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