The Mystery of the Wildly Inaccurate Summary for the Poorly Received 2019 Nicolas Cage Vehicle Grand Isle
fun fact: Kelsey Grammer never has or shoots a gun in this motion picture
When I’m writing about a movie, I sometimes Google its title along with “ending explained” to make sure I did not miss any key details.
I most recently did this with the 2019 Nicolas Cage stinker Grand Isle. Its ending is a little confusing and abrupt, possibly because the production apparently ran out of money and couldn’t shoot the final two days.
I’d like to think that Cage could pay for those days out of pocket, being a world-famous movie star and all, but if Cage had that kind of money, he wouldn’t be starring in movies like Grand Isle.
I’ve now seen Grand Isle twice so I like to think that I’m pretty familiar with it. I’m getting into spoiler territory here but I’m guessing none of you actually plan to see one of the seventeen movies Cage made in 2019.
In Grand Isle, Buddy, a hunky stud straight out of a romance novel or pornographic motion picture gets roped into the weird lives and bizarre psycho-sexual games of a couple who broadcast their perversity to the heavens.
Walter (Nicolas Cage) is an impotent alcoholic who looks like he hasn’t showered or slept in years. His wife Fancy (KaDee Strickland) is a hot-to-trot femme fatale who is quite literally begging to be fucked by the virile stud trapped in their gothic haunted house of a home by a furious storm outside that mirrors the storm within.
He’s giving real Tommy Wiseau energy here.
Walter and Fancy are every bit the degenerates they appear to be. Walter offers Buddy 20,000 dollars to kill Fancy, who has been abducting teenagers, Girl Scouts, and the occasional dude and keeping them in a basement of horrors.
Walter and Fancy are actually much worse than they appear to be. They seem like garden-variety adulterers and murderers, but they’re more like the villains in fairy tales.
The cops eventually figure out what Walter and Fancy are up to, but Walter gets away. Later he holds Buddy’s wife hostage and demands that Fancy be released before meeting a violent end via the bullets fired by law enforcement. It’s a real case of suicide by cop.
That’s the movie that I have seen twice, is described in Grand Isle’s Wikipedia entry, and the film that currently has a sad nine percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
That is not, however, the movie summarized by the good folks over at qmunicatemagazine. In their bizarre, inexplicably glowing take on Grand Isle, Buddy, who doesn’t do anything worse than cheat on his wife in the actual movie, is secretly a serial killer and escaped convict, while the most transparently evil, toxic couple in film history are secretly heroes being manipulated by the savvy and heartless Buddy.
Here the online publication describes a scene that does not exist in the movie: “As Walter triumphs over Buddy, the truth about Buddy’s crimes is finally unveiled. It is revealed that Buddy is responsible for a string of murders in the area, and his capture brings an end to his reign of terror.”
They claim that the twist was that Walter and Fancy staged an elaborate ruse to expose Buddy and his many murderous crimes.
The version of Grand Isle that does not exist ends with Walter and Fancy driving out of town, having triumphed over the wily but defeated Buddy. The real version ends with the police fatally shooting Walter after he points his guns in their direction.
I was befuddled by the article. What possible value could a wildly inaccurate summary of an obscure, more or less direct-to-streaming low-budget movie have? Who is looking for something like that, other than me, of course?
I suspect the answer has to do with AI and SEO. There has to be at least some demand for information about Nicolas Cage movies, even the bad and obscure ones, on account of Cage being a very popular and beloved figure, particularly on the internet. The article feels like it was written by AI rather than a human being. The flowery language and structure feel very AI.
I’m running the article’s “Final Thoughts” here so you can get a taste of its tone and flavor:
“Grand Isle’s ending leaves viewers contemplating the moral implications of the characters’ actions and the choices they made. It challenges our perceptions of right and wrong, showcasing the blurry lines between justice and revenge. As one professional in the field eloquently puts it, “The film’s ending raises profound questions about the nature of human morality, leaving audiences pondering the price of vengeance and the true meaning of justice.”
Another expert adds, “The intricately woven plot and unexpected twists in Grand Isle make it a standout thriller that will keep viewers engaged from start to finish. The ending serves as a testament to the power of manipulation and the consequences it carries.”
A third professional remarks, “The film’s final scenes provide a satisfying conclusion to the suspenseful narrative. However, the moral ambiguity of the characters’ actions invites further discussion and reflection on the nature of justice.”
Lastly, a renowned critic highlights, “Grand Isle’s ending is a masterful blend of deception, suspense, and unexpected revelations. The film challenges conventional notions of right and wrong, reminding audiences that the line between hero and villain can sometimes be blurred.”
Look, it’s the hero pointing guns at the police!
In conclusion, Grand Isle Movie 2019 delivers an enthralling ending that leaves audiences with a myriad of questions and a sense of moral ambiguity. It is a testament to the power of manipulation and the complexity of human nature.”
In case you’re wondering, I Googled the quotes from the professional critiques and the only answer I got linked back to the article itself.
This fake article about a movie that does not exist, written by a writer who does not exist, felt the need to create multiple nameless critics who appear not to exist either.
Reading the article confused, angered, and amused me. AI is in its uncanny valley phase now, where it gets close enough to human writing and communication for it to be both disconcerting and morbidly amusing.
AI can almost write a mediocre but reasonably professional review. That’s sort of impressive and deeply frightening because there will come a day, very soon, when AI will advance to the point that it is putting writers like me out of business. And where will I be then?
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