Vaping is Pretty Much my Entire Personality Now — It Turns Out the Naming Rights! Membership Option Was For Real and Someone Is Now Five Hundred Bucks Poorer Presents Nat

At the risk of being pretentious, I’ve always been something of a spiritual seeker. I grew up with a massive hole deep in my soul left by my biological mother’s abandonment when I was just a baby that I have spent my entire life trying unsuccessfully to fill.

I’ve tried to fill that aching void deep within with drugs. I’ve tried to fill it with sex. I’ve tried to fill it with money and music and movies and art and professional achievement and the Bitch Goddess Success. But nothing has worked.

I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and asked a series of nagging, seemingly unanswerable questions. Who am I? What do I believe in? What do I have to contribute to a world that often feels unfathomably cruel and unknowable? Why do I seem to suffer and struggle and never get ahead no matter how hard I try? What the hell is wrong with me?

This last weekend I had an epiphany. I came to understand, on a soul-deep level, myself and my destiny.

I am the vape guy. From here on out, vaping isn’t just something I enjoy doing; it’s pretty much my entire personality. I know what I’m supposed to do: devote the rest of my life to spreading the gospel of vaping.

This might seems surprising considering that I have NEVER written about vaping in any way.

On the contrary, I actually thought that vaping seemed kind of cheesy and lame. How could I have been so foolish and naive?

I’ve seen the light, friend. All it took was a few deep pulls from a Mango-flavored Delta 8 vape pen to change my life forever for the better.

I was instantly reborn. I consequently will be casting off my old, boring identity as Nathan Rabin, loser, like a snake shedding its old skin so that I can embrace my new identity as a vaping evangelist.

I no longer answer to Nathan. From here on out I will only answer to the following nicknames:

Big Daddy Vape

Puff Daddy

Bad Mother Puffer

Vape King

Vape Juice

The Hick with the Stick

Nathan Vapin’

I have seen the light! Before I thought that smoking was cool. I was wrong. What’s actually cool is inhaling weird-tasting chemical smoke from a little metal stick with a light at the end.

I think it’s safe to say that if Bob Marley were alive today he’d give up smoking dangerous, disgusting marijuana blunts and start vaping up a storm. He’d be so excited about this revolutionary technology that he’d devote all of his time and energy to it.

But that’s not the only way Marley would change with the times. I also see him REALLY getting into cryptocurrency and NFTs.

You know those sweet-ass Donald Trump digital trading cards people can’t stop gushing about? If he were alive today Marley would put out his own line of NFTs but they’d all show him vaping instead.

I’ve been shy and insecure pretty much my entire life. I’ve never really known what to say or even what to do with my hands.

I know better now. If I find myself in a scary social situation, such as one in which I have to interact with a human being who isn’t part of my immediate family, I can just talk about how much I love vaping and how I think EVERYONE should vape, even if it goes against your religion or is harmful, even deadly.

I know what to do with my hands as well: use them to hold the sweet, sweet vape pens that are pretty much my reason for living at this point.

I’m making big changes, people! Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place will soon be re-christened Nathan Vaping’s Vapey Place. I’m also going to start reviewing everything on a scale of zero to five Vape Clouds.

Effin’ Birds Presents Travolta/Cage will now be known as Vaping AND Effin’ Birds Presents Travolta/Vape.

This is going to change everything. For the first time in my life I finally feel like I have a destiny and that is to vape and vape so hard that the world can’t help but follow in my righteous footsteps.

Vape with me, friends. Suck the Vape Juice out of life and really savor that nasty chemical aftertaste. Your life will never be the same.

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