Heather "Razzlekhan" Morgan Is Accused of Stealing Cyber-Billions But Her Music is the Real Crime
When you write about things that are terrible for a living, the way that I do, friends, readers and colleagues feel a need to share the existence of the excruciatingly awful with you. On one hand, this if flattering. It means that they’re thinking of me, and my famous love of flaming garbage. On the other, even I don’t want to know about every creative abomination in this sick, sad world.
For example, a trailer for a romantic comedy about a guy whose wife promises to have anal sex with him if he loses fifty pounds called Win a Trip to Browntown recently went viral for its Loqueesha-level miscalculation and some of my friends dutifully forwarded its press release to me.
I’d definitely cover it for Control Nathan Rabin 4.0 but otherwise Win a Trip to Browntown looks too dire even for me, and I just watched and wrote about all seven movies that Bruce Willis released in 2021.
“Too terrible even for me” also applies to the Hipster Hip Hop Stylings of Heather “Razzlekhan” Morgan. Razzlekhan, the self-described “Crocodile of Wolf Street” recently made headlines when she and her husband were caught stealing four and a half billion dollars in crypto-currency.
Morgan is the kind of morbidly fascinating, pathologically self-absorbed media monster they make hit Netflix docu-series about. Indeed, Chris Smith, of American Movie and Tiger King fame, has already signed on to direct and Executive Produce a documentary series about the disgraced cyber-criminal.
Like Joe Exotic, Morgan pursued music as an unlikely sideline to her main gig committing crimes. Unlike Exotic, Morgan actually made the music she poignantly/inexplicably wants the world to hear because no professional in their right mind would make music this agonizingly bad.
Having listened to at least snippets of several of Razzlekhan’s songs, I feel like we as a culture owe Kreayshawn a huge apology because her widely reviled debut is The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill compared to Razzlekhan, Rakim to Razzlekhan’s Kevin Federline.
What makes Razzlekhan such an unlistenable embarrassment? Pretty much everything. Razzlekhan’s nails-scratching-a-chalkboard flow and whiny, nasal, sing-song voice are deal-breakers, separately and collectively but everything else about her is actively repellent as well.
Morgen’s fashion aesthetic is defined by gold lame, ugly glasses and an ever-present fanny pack. The fanny pack is ironic and tongue-in-cheek because everything in Razzlekhan’s obnoxious, insufferable world, even its intense suckage, is a dumb joke. Incidentally, Razzlekhan has a song called “Vacuum Cleaner” whose chorus is “Bitch, you suck like a vacuum cleaner.”
Sadly, “Vacuum Cleaner isn’t worse than the rest of Razzlekhan’s music, which is less conventional Hip Hop than a brutal endurance test.
Musically and style-wise, Razzlekhan combines the worst of the past with the worst of the present.
Listen, if you dare, to some of Razzlekhan’s “music.” I’m guessing you won’t make it past one minute of any one video.
The hook to “Social Distance,” “Who got coronavirus?Who? who?!/Who got coronavirus?/Who? who?!/Could be me/Could be you/Could be me/Could be you/Who got coronavirus?/Who? who?!” makes it apparent that Razzlekhan’s lyrics are being ghost-written by an owl.
It’s possible that Morgen is playing a very long game, and that the whole point of her four and a half BILLION dollar crypto-embezzling scheme was to steal so much money and be so self-consciously eccentric that when she got caught her arrest would be big news and attract attention to her music and videos.
Maybe Razzlekhan is wilier than we could have possibly imagined and everything is part of a master plan only she understands to introduce the world to her cringe-inducing Hip Hop alter-ego.
Heather Morgan is accused of committing billions of dollars worth of cyber-cash but her music is the real crime.
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